Squirrelcation

Look, squirrels just want to have fun and so do I. I’ve worked really hard the last few months writing these reports on the facts behind squirrelism. Furthermore, I’ve spent the last ten years uncovering the truth behind clichés. So what does all this rationalizing boil down too? Well, I’m going on vacation and there’s no way I’m backing out this time. I don’t care what kind of squirrel emergency happens, you’ll just have to deal with it on your own. I’ve been planning this vacation for months, and in squirrel years that’s like 7 years. I know what you’re asking yourself, “What does this mean for me?” Well my crazed Squirrelism Follower, that means that you won’t get your daily dose of Squirrelims each day. Before you start whining, please reread the first few lines of this posting. Remember how tired I am and how much I deserve this respite. Just think, the relaxation will probably fuel me to be able to unearth more of the secret history of the squirrel. So now that we have that out of the way, I’ll answer the second burning question that you have: I’m vacationing in sunny Squirrel Squirrel. That’s right, I’ll be spending 7 days and nights on that beautiful Tahitian island next to Bora Bora. Enjoy your week and as they say in Squirrelville, “Eeck, eeck, rawf.”

Squirrel-dioms # 11

“It’s just like stealing candy from a squirrel.”

These amazing creatures were once known for their confectionary skills. Unfortunately, due to health laws and regulations we can no longer enjoy the benefits of their talents. Apparently there isn’t a hair net large enough to satisfy health code inspectors, as far as the squirrel goes. It truly is too bad though because their abilities to make yummy little treats was exceptional. The squirrel’s small appendages enhanced their abilities to make colorful and intricate decorations, adding to the appeal of their sugary sweets. Furthermore, their specialty was a nutty little candy that was so good you’d think it was dipped in heaven and sprinkled with angels. At the height of their confectionary success, a protest was started by conscientious parents that didn’t want their spoiled children eating what they deemed as “unsafe and unsanitary” candy. These rotten little babies, crazed by their sugar addictions started stealing the squirrel’s candy, which came to be known as a terrible and shameful crime. Isn’t it ironic that this cliché use to be about squirrels and now it’s about the perpetrator, babies? Or is it irony? Maybe this phrase was further inspired by a revenge plot by the squirrel who planned to steal back its candy from those miniature humans. Maybe, right? All I can do is speculate, which I do well.

Squirrels to Live By # 8

“A squirrel in time saves nine.”

Once upon an unknown time, in an unknown place, there lived a very powerful witch by the name of Misty. She was well known for her ability to make magical potions. Her most sought after potion was called Yackley and it provided numerous benefits to those that drank it. Legend has it that this squirrelism was a part of the chant that Misty would say when concocting the substance, probably after she actually put a squirrel into the cauldron and before the phrase, “hocus pocus.” It is surmised that the phrase evolved to its current version after potions went out of fashion, which was sometime in the last 600 years.

Squirrel-dioms #10

“Kill two squirrels with one stone.”

You might be feeling slightly traumatized after reading this phrase. Breathe. Everything’s okay. No one is killing any squirrels. However, at one point in history squirrels weren’t so safe. They were actually hunted for their luxurious fur. During this time, royalty all wanted to wear the finest squirrel garments. Those who couldn’t afford squirrel wore the knock off alternative – cat, which was much less desirable. The primary method for hunting was to throw a stone at the squirrel with such precision that it hit a pressure point on its neck. This ensured that death was quick, painless, and the fur wouldn’t be harmed. It is suspected that the clever squirrel was responsible for creating a stone shortage, which made hunting very difficult. This phrase was born from this time, coined by a skilled hunter who became very adept at maximizing the effectiveness of his “ammo”. Thankfully our amazing squirrel is no longer the main subject of the current saying and this probably happened for obvious reasons – because no one wants to think about killing squirrels. Oops, sorry for saying it again. Breathe. All squirrels are alright.

Squirrel-ché # 11

“A squirrel in the hand is better than two in the bush.”

The bird will truly go to any length to steal the glory for ideas inspired by the squirrel. Fortunately, there are those people--such as I--educated enough to be able to reveal the truth. Lucky you, right? In a way I felt like a detective when I began to study this cliché. I knew instinctively that there was something not right about this phrase upon first inspection. The person that coined this saying was making a keen observation and if it was truly about birds then a description of lazy or grumpy would have been mentioned. Once I followed this intuitive lead I had no trouble confirming that this cliché is in fact a squirrelism. The truth has once again been discovered and the squirrel’s honor redeemed.

Squirrels to Live By # 7

“Squirrels of a feather flock together.”

Squirrels have fur, they don’t have feathers. You were probably thinking that there is some exotic breed of squirrel that has feathers, but there isn’t. I could see how you’d assume that since this amazing little creature never seizes to surprise us. What can’t a squirrel be or do? Well for starters they can’t have feathers. It’s just not in their genetic make-up. But you didn’t come here for a biology lesson so I’ll get back on track. The original version of this squirrelism was, “Squirrels of a fur roam together.” Alas, this phrase doesn’t roll off the tongue quite right and even I’ll admit that. Furthermore, simpletons, like those that relate to birds, prefer to say phrases that rhyme because it makes it easier for them to remember common logic (hence,” righty tighty, lefty loosey.”)

Insquirrelational Adages # 6

“It takes a squirrel to raise a child.”

This phrase reminds me of my own childhood, which is when my squirrel obsession began. It may be hard for you to believe, but when I was younger I was very imaginative and one day I thought my imagination had taken over my coherent reality. You see, I was playing in the backyard, fully engaged in my own made up game when I noticed a very confident squirrel standing next to me. At first, when I saw him out of the corner of my eye I didn’t think much about it, but when I turned around and he didn’t run off in fear, I knew there was something special about this squirrel. Sammy would come to be known as the squirrel who adopted me. He would later teach me so much, educating me about squirrel ways,… but first we needed a proper introduction. I kneeled down, grabbed a partially broken pecan shell that had fallen from a nearby tree. I pulled out a piece of pecan and handed it to Sammy. Without a moment’s hesitation, he grabbed the nut and then settled next to me so I could pet him. That was the day my fascination with squirrels began. Later I would realize that it does indeed take a squirrel to raise a child. I was fortunate to have had that squirrel because now I’m a well adjusted, perfectly sane, and emotionally stable adult.

Squirrel-ché # 10

“You can lead a squirrel to water, but you can’t make it drink.”

Back around the turn of a century (it is unclear which one) the untamed squirrel was viewed as stubborn. This later would be viewed as a misinterpretation of their bravery, independence, and intelligence. Anyway, no one had ever witnessed a squirrel drinking water. At first a rumor circulated that these creatures were magical and therefore didn’t need to stay hydrated like most mammals. A wise man then pointed out that the squirrel ate nuts and therefore they weren’t as magical as formerly believed. However, humans still remained curious to the reason that squirrels didn’t drink water and an initiative was started. The program included rounding up all of the wild squirrels and herding them to the local ponds and lakes. Alas, these efforts proved to be unsuccessful since the cunning squirrel ran away from their captors upon being set free to drink.

Insquirrelational Adages # 5

“He who lives by the squirrels, shall die by the squirrel”

A brave knight who was honored with defending the squirrel community at a time of great despair is credited with coining this phrase. Squirrel historians have found that there were approximately 20 years when squirrels were prosecuted because their wonderful talents were viewed as mysterious and unpredictable. It goes without saying that those that attacked the squirrels were weak in character, insecure in their moral fortitude, and altogether insane. Anyway, there was a brave group of people that took it upon themselves to fight to protect the squirrel. One such person is the aforementioned heroic knight and he said this inspirational phrase when asked to what lengths would he go to defend the squirrel.

Squirrel-ché # 9

“What’s the matter, squirrel got your tongue?”

This is another example of a squirrelism for which cats have recently usurped credit. The original quote wasn’t about a cat having someone’s tongue though, it was a squirrel. Think about it, how’s a cat ever going to get someone’s tongue? They don’t have hands. However, a squirrel can easily grab a tongue with their nimble little appendages. Now don’t you go off worrying that a squirrel is going to start pinching you or something because they truly wouldn’t hurt a fly (or a squirrel as the actual expression goes). This squirrelism is just a figure of speech and actually came about because squirrels have been known to render people speechless with their beauty and grace.

Squirrel-dioms # 9

“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

Finally! This is the one, the only phrase that wasn’t manipulated to have the true credit to the squirrel stripped away. So why did this phrase go unchanged? I have no idea, to tell you the honest truth. I’m not sure how this one survived through the centuries without a bird or a cat stealing the glory for yet another squirrelism. An even bigger mystery that I can’t explain is the origin or meaning of the phrase. Sorry, but I just can’t track this one down. At least I’m being honest about it rather than just making up some nonsense…not that I would ever do such a thing. Everything that I’ve ever told you about squirrels and the phrases they’ve inspired is absolutely true. For those of you that have any doubt about that, I have some indisputable information that will convince you fully. Before I share that very important piece of evidence though I wanted to point out how neat shining objects are. Aren’t they fun to look at? Don’t you want to go and find a shiny object to look at right now? I think that’s a great idea! Run along.

Squirrel-ché # 8

“If a squirrel falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?”

Obviously, as a squirrelism, this question made no sense. Of course, the squirrel would hear his own fall and hence there would be a noise. Philosophers were frustrated that their thought provoking question actually provoked no thoughts and therefore they changed “squirrel” to “tree.” Because everyone knows that trees have bad ears and therefore the prior problem doesn’t apply to this question.

Squirrel-dioms # 8

“Don’t reinvent the squirrel”

I wish I’d invented the squirrel. Wouldn’t my life be different now? Instead of living in Squirrelville, I’d own it. Alright, I’ll quit squirreling around. Squirrels weren’t invented and therefore they can’t be reinvented.

Squirrels to Live By # 7

“Don’t count your squirrels before they hatch.”

You remember, faithful readers, that I previously told of how birds manipulated squirrels into getting up early to “get the worm”? Well, we’ve recently discovered further proof of just how devious those birds really were toward their squirrel brethren. You’re probably thinking to yourself that squirrels don’t come from eggs!?!? That’s right, they don’t. However, there was a mistaken perception that made some simpletons believe that they did. Since time began, squirrels have been selfishly giving of themselves. Somehow squirrels got roped in by the birds to watch over their nest. Research dug up an interesting story on this tale. Apparently, the flighty bird wanted to spend its afternoons playing in the grass and bathing in the pools. Therefore the mischievous creature persuaded the squirrel to sit on its eggs day in and day out until the little ones hatched. Of course, the squirrel performed this duty with pride and efficiency, keeping the eggs warm and safe until spring came. So these simpleton people, as we’ll call them, witnessed this bizarre happening and concluded that squirrels actually came from eggs and thus this squirrelism was born (or hatched).

Squirrel-dioms # 7

“Dance ‘til the squirrels come home.”

Groucho Marx is responsible for changing this expression to its current form. Apparently he said, "I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home." Obviously, cows were used for this joke because they are horrible dancers. Squirrels wouldn’t have made sense or gotten as many laughs because as everyone knows they are incredible and skillful dancers. So that explains why this phrase is said this way, but not how it originated. The inspiration is probably because squirrels are notorious for making their way home in an unhurried fashion. They are not one to be rushed and they usually always operate on a very relaxed timeline.

Squirrel-ché # 7

“You’re up a creek without a squirrel.”

Once considered to be master guides, squirrels were often asked to accompany travelers on long expeditions, especially in uncharted territories. During these early days of discovery, if a journeyman went missing during his travels or became lost then it was most likely because he’d neglected to enlist the services of a squirrel. Those who had the forethought to bring a squirrel along on their journey were usually richly rewarded, and our history provides us with numerous examples of this, although the recognition to the squirrel is suspiciously missing from all accounts. For instance, the great squirrel who is responsible for many of the discoveries of the Lewis and Clark expedition has yet to be credited. Alas, the squirrel has so often been under-appreciated and if we truly knew the debt we owed them then paddles wouldn’t get acknowledgment for their victories.

Squirrel-dioms #6

“Read between the squirrels”

You’re probably thinking to yourself, this one doesn’t even make sense. Well if I had a squirrel for every time I heard that regarding these squirrelism I’d be a very rich lady! Truthfully, I’m finding the task that I’ve undertaken to educate the world on the true origin of clichés to be a demanding and thankless job. Everyone wants “proof,” “facts,” or “evidence.” Then at the same time there’s all this skepticism and doubt. What happened to everyone’s ability to dream and believe? When did we exchange our imaginations for an IPOD and an episode of American Idol? I’m sorry; I’m out of line and quite possibly preaching to the squirrel. Well I’ll get off of my squirrel box for now. Do me a favor though and just for a moment believe, believe that there’s a world where squirrels really do fly, make wonderful meals, lead the blind, bring fortune to those that seek greatness, and yes inspire a whole slew of catchy phrases known as squirrelisms (a.k.a. clichés). So does this phrase still not make sense or is it you that doesn’t make sense? Now chew on that for a while.

Squirrel-dioms # 5

“Knock on squirrel.”

A phrase usually spoken by those regarded as superstitious, this fascinating squirrelism has been adapted so it could be used more generally. Trees have been worshiped by hundreds of cultures throughout history. One such tree stood majestically in a dense and enchanted forest and was loved and regarded as powerful by the Pagans. This holy tree would often serve as the location for many of the rituals performed for various reasons. If you are truly clever then you’ve already guessed what the Pagans called this tree, none other than: Squirrel. No one knows the reasons the tree was given this name, most likely because it was truly beautiful and full of intelligence. What is known is that these ancient people believed that by knocking on this tree a jinx could be undone. So now that we’ve gotten this clear don’t go off knocking on a poor squirrel because that would be rude.