Insquirrelational Adages #7

“A squirrel is worth a thousand words.”

Fully knowing the value of these talented and amazing creatures, do you really need an explanation for this one? No, I thought not!

Squirrel-batical

It is with both great excitement and great sadness that I announce Friday will be my last blog posting for an indefinite amount of time. Year after year I’ve applied for grants to support my squirrel research. One of the many valuable lessons I’ve learned from squirrels is persistence pays off (thanks Sammy for keeping up the incessant racket which disturbed me to the point that I got up, went outside to yell at you and thereby escaped the tree that hit the house seconds later). So after decades of hard work I’ll finally receive the funding I need to take squirrelisms to the next level. I know you’ve got three burning questions you want answered.

You’re first question is most obviously: what will I be doing on this squirrel-batical? Well my curious friend, I’ll be traveling the globe, meeting squirrels, listening to their stories, unearthing ancient tales (and maybe ancient tails), and discovering more truths that have been buried like that proverbial nut. I’m also working on a book which will detail this information. Look for it on shelves starting next year. The current working title is, Squirrel Stories: The Truth Behind the Tail. I’ll also be working on a sequel to this book, Catspiracies: What the Feline Doesn’t Want You to Know!

Now to answer your second question, I’m not sure when or if I’ll be returning to blog more squirrelisms. I’m truly grateful for the support that I’ve been shown. Tens of people have shown their appreciation and interest for squirrelism, which is the reason I’m in such a wonderful position to continue this work, receive grants, and have my findings published. We’ll see what the future brings.

And lastly, to satisfy your curiosity and answer your last question: the organization sponsoring my research is RODENT (Really Outrageous Dames Encouraging Neat Things). They’re a great group and I’m grateful they think squirrelisms are neat.

Well that’s the full update and quite literally, all she wrote…

Squirrel-dioms # 13

“The squirrel that broke the camel’s back.”

This phrase comes from the time when camels were used for carrying squirrel troupes across the desert. Those who have been paying attention will remember that squirrels used to be quite active in the circus. These troupes of squirrels would travel from city to city setting up their tents and performing their stunts for mesmerized audiences. In the southeast camels were the main mode of transportation for these groups. They would carry people, squirrels, and some supplies. Because squirrels are so small and light it was common for too many to be packed onto a camel causing an undue stress on the animal. So the next time you think that if you’re tasked with one more burden and you might break, think about getting one of those squirrels off your proverbial back. It’s a squirrel-eat-squirrel world.

Squirrels to Live By # 9

“If you can’t live with the answer, don’t ask the squirrel”

There once lived a very wise squirrel by the name of Ruffell. People traveled from all over in order to meet the great squirrel and ask for his advice. He often answered people’s questions regarding how to proceed in a difficult situation or how they should resolve a conflict. Ruffell always gave good advice which was certain to benefit everyone, but many times it was harsh and not what the person seeking guidance wanted to hear. One example of this happened to an elderly man who sought the wise squirrel’s help. The man was worried for his sister who had run off with a group of gypsies. Ruffell told the man that just as he does what he chooses, so should he allow this of his sister. The man became outraged, not liking this advice and threw a huge temper tantrum. After this experience, the sage-like squirrel put a sign outside his tree with this phrase on it to warn off those seeking lip service.

Squirrel-ché # 14

“A tough squirrel to crack.”

As we have previously learned, squirrels were once accomplices to ninjas for their espionage skills. One of the many reasons squirrels were so successful in this role was because their stealth-like movements made them near impossible to catch. However, there are a few instances when a squirrel was caught by the enemy they were hired to spy on for the ninjas. These skillful squirrels were then interrogated to find out who they were working for and why. Is this starting to sound like a James Bond movie? What can I say, art imitates squirrel. Anyway, another reason squirrels were so successful when employed by the ninja was because under no circumstances would the animal divulge their secrets. I guess one could say that unlike some rodents, the squirrel won’t rat others out.

Squirrel-ché # 13

“Squirrel eat squirrel world”

Cannibal squirrels? Could it be possible? Somewhere in the southern hemisphere there used to be an ancient tribe of squirrels called the Ponce and legend has it they believed heavily in rituals such as chanting, ceremonies, and tree worship. From deciphering their tree drawings it has been determined that on the day of a blue moon a great celebration was held full of these rituals. One included acting out a legendary tale where the big creature, man, breaks into the forest and tries to eat the squirrel. The innocent animal is saved by the moon which renders the man speechless and motionless with its beauty. The first Squirrel Historians who analyzed this story misinterpreted it and published their false findings with the title, “It’s a squirrel eat squirrel world.” I’m here to set the story straight and tell you that dogs may be capable of cannibalism or even people but not the honorable squirrel. May the ghost of the Ponce squirrels finally rest in peace.

Squirrel-dioms # 12

“The Rolling Squirrels, Gathers No Moss.”

This squirrelism has quite the convoluted history. See if you can keep up on this one. Back in the day, before rock-n-roll was cool, there was a band made up of five musically ambitious squirrels. And, yes, squirrels play music. I’m sure you’ve heard one singing in a tree at some point. And what wonderful voices they are blessed with. Anyway, this group, The Rolling Squirrels had many great hits. The most famous of these songs was “Gathers No Moss,” an amazing ballad that depicts a seasonless world after the loss of a lover’s affection. During the height of this song’s success everywhere people were talking about The Rolling Squirrels’ Gathers No Moss. Unfortunately, the band broke up over a sassy chipmunk whom is credited with inspiring the number one hit song. Apparently, she cheated on the lead singer with the guitarist causing a rift between the two that couldn’t be repaired. Many years have passed and most have forgotten The Rolling Squirrels, and sadly their tribute band has received the fame and the cliché that was truly their’s.

Squirrel-ché # 12

“Cost an arm and a squirrel”

How much does an arm cost? Is there anything that you’d give your right arm for? Maybe a squirrel, right? Squirrels and arms are probably equally valuable. Think about it. They’re both important to have in order to manage everyday tasks, they both help you excel at an exemplary level, and are responsible for so many abilities and talents. So how much is something worth that would cost an arm and a squirrel? Boy, howdy, that’s got to be priceless! When you break this expression down like this its meaning becomes immediately obvious.

Squirrelcation

Look, squirrels just want to have fun and so do I. I’ve worked really hard the last few months writing these reports on the facts behind squirrelism. Furthermore, I’ve spent the last ten years uncovering the truth behind clichés. So what does all this rationalizing boil down too? Well, I’m going on vacation and there’s no way I’m backing out this time. I don’t care what kind of squirrel emergency happens, you’ll just have to deal with it on your own. I’ve been planning this vacation for months, and in squirrel years that’s like 7 years. I know what you’re asking yourself, “What does this mean for me?” Well my crazed Squirrelism Follower, that means that you won’t get your daily dose of Squirrelims each day. Before you start whining, please reread the first few lines of this posting. Remember how tired I am and how much I deserve this respite. Just think, the relaxation will probably fuel me to be able to unearth more of the secret history of the squirrel. So now that we have that out of the way, I’ll answer the second burning question that you have: I’m vacationing in sunny Squirrel Squirrel. That’s right, I’ll be spending 7 days and nights on that beautiful Tahitian island next to Bora Bora. Enjoy your week and as they say in Squirrelville, “Eeck, eeck, rawf.”

Squirrel-dioms # 11

“It’s just like stealing candy from a squirrel.”

These amazing creatures were once known for their confectionary skills. Unfortunately, due to health laws and regulations we can no longer enjoy the benefits of their talents. Apparently there isn’t a hair net large enough to satisfy health code inspectors, as far as the squirrel goes. It truly is too bad though because their abilities to make yummy little treats was exceptional. The squirrel’s small appendages enhanced their abilities to make colorful and intricate decorations, adding to the appeal of their sugary sweets. Furthermore, their specialty was a nutty little candy that was so good you’d think it was dipped in heaven and sprinkled with angels. At the height of their confectionary success, a protest was started by conscientious parents that didn’t want their spoiled children eating what they deemed as “unsafe and unsanitary” candy. These rotten little babies, crazed by their sugar addictions started stealing the squirrel’s candy, which came to be known as a terrible and shameful crime. Isn’t it ironic that this cliché use to be about squirrels and now it’s about the perpetrator, babies? Or is it irony? Maybe this phrase was further inspired by a revenge plot by the squirrel who planned to steal back its candy from those miniature humans. Maybe, right? All I can do is speculate, which I do well.

Squirrels to Live By # 8

“A squirrel in time saves nine.”

Once upon an unknown time, in an unknown place, there lived a very powerful witch by the name of Misty. She was well known for her ability to make magical potions. Her most sought after potion was called Yackley and it provided numerous benefits to those that drank it. Legend has it that this squirrelism was a part of the chant that Misty would say when concocting the substance, probably after she actually put a squirrel into the cauldron and before the phrase, “hocus pocus.” It is surmised that the phrase evolved to its current version after potions went out of fashion, which was sometime in the last 600 years.

Squirrel-dioms #10

“Kill two squirrels with one stone.”

You might be feeling slightly traumatized after reading this phrase. Breathe. Everything’s okay. No one is killing any squirrels. However, at one point in history squirrels weren’t so safe. They were actually hunted for their luxurious fur. During this time, royalty all wanted to wear the finest squirrel garments. Those who couldn’t afford squirrel wore the knock off alternative – cat, which was much less desirable. The primary method for hunting was to throw a stone at the squirrel with such precision that it hit a pressure point on its neck. This ensured that death was quick, painless, and the fur wouldn’t be harmed. It is suspected that the clever squirrel was responsible for creating a stone shortage, which made hunting very difficult. This phrase was born from this time, coined by a skilled hunter who became very adept at maximizing the effectiveness of his “ammo”. Thankfully our amazing squirrel is no longer the main subject of the current saying and this probably happened for obvious reasons – because no one wants to think about killing squirrels. Oops, sorry for saying it again. Breathe. All squirrels are alright.

Squirrel-ché # 11

“A squirrel in the hand is better than two in the bush.”

The bird will truly go to any length to steal the glory for ideas inspired by the squirrel. Fortunately, there are those people--such as I--educated enough to be able to reveal the truth. Lucky you, right? In a way I felt like a detective when I began to study this cliché. I knew instinctively that there was something not right about this phrase upon first inspection. The person that coined this saying was making a keen observation and if it was truly about birds then a description of lazy or grumpy would have been mentioned. Once I followed this intuitive lead I had no trouble confirming that this cliché is in fact a squirrelism. The truth has once again been discovered and the squirrel’s honor redeemed.

Squirrels to Live By # 7

“Squirrels of a feather flock together.”

Squirrels have fur, they don’t have feathers. You were probably thinking that there is some exotic breed of squirrel that has feathers, but there isn’t. I could see how you’d assume that since this amazing little creature never seizes to surprise us. What can’t a squirrel be or do? Well for starters they can’t have feathers. It’s just not in their genetic make-up. But you didn’t come here for a biology lesson so I’ll get back on track. The original version of this squirrelism was, “Squirrels of a fur roam together.” Alas, this phrase doesn’t roll off the tongue quite right and even I’ll admit that. Furthermore, simpletons, like those that relate to birds, prefer to say phrases that rhyme because it makes it easier for them to remember common logic (hence,” righty tighty, lefty loosey.”)

Insquirrelational Adages # 6

“It takes a squirrel to raise a child.”

This phrase reminds me of my own childhood, which is when my squirrel obsession began. It may be hard for you to believe, but when I was younger I was very imaginative and one day I thought my imagination had taken over my coherent reality. You see, I was playing in the backyard, fully engaged in my own made up game when I noticed a very confident squirrel standing next to me. At first, when I saw him out of the corner of my eye I didn’t think much about it, but when I turned around and he didn’t run off in fear, I knew there was something special about this squirrel. Sammy would come to be known as the squirrel who adopted me. He would later teach me so much, educating me about squirrel ways,… but first we needed a proper introduction. I kneeled down, grabbed a partially broken pecan shell that had fallen from a nearby tree. I pulled out a piece of pecan and handed it to Sammy. Without a moment’s hesitation, he grabbed the nut and then settled next to me so I could pet him. That was the day my fascination with squirrels began. Later I would realize that it does indeed take a squirrel to raise a child. I was fortunate to have had that squirrel because now I’m a well adjusted, perfectly sane, and emotionally stable adult.

Squirrel-ché # 10

“You can lead a squirrel to water, but you can’t make it drink.”

Back around the turn of a century (it is unclear which one) the untamed squirrel was viewed as stubborn. This later would be viewed as a misinterpretation of their bravery, independence, and intelligence. Anyway, no one had ever witnessed a squirrel drinking water. At first a rumor circulated that these creatures were magical and therefore didn’t need to stay hydrated like most mammals. A wise man then pointed out that the squirrel ate nuts and therefore they weren’t as magical as formerly believed. However, humans still remained curious to the reason that squirrels didn’t drink water and an initiative was started. The program included rounding up all of the wild squirrels and herding them to the local ponds and lakes. Alas, these efforts proved to be unsuccessful since the cunning squirrel ran away from their captors upon being set free to drink.

Insquirrelational Adages # 5

“He who lives by the squirrels, shall die by the squirrel”

A brave knight who was honored with defending the squirrel community at a time of great despair is credited with coining this phrase. Squirrel historians have found that there were approximately 20 years when squirrels were prosecuted because their wonderful talents were viewed as mysterious and unpredictable. It goes without saying that those that attacked the squirrels were weak in character, insecure in their moral fortitude, and altogether insane. Anyway, there was a brave group of people that took it upon themselves to fight to protect the squirrel. One such person is the aforementioned heroic knight and he said this inspirational phrase when asked to what lengths would he go to defend the squirrel.

Squirrel-ché # 9

“What’s the matter, squirrel got your tongue?”

This is another example of a squirrelism for which cats have recently usurped credit. The original quote wasn’t about a cat having someone’s tongue though, it was a squirrel. Think about it, how’s a cat ever going to get someone’s tongue? They don’t have hands. However, a squirrel can easily grab a tongue with their nimble little appendages. Now don’t you go off worrying that a squirrel is going to start pinching you or something because they truly wouldn’t hurt a fly (or a squirrel as the actual expression goes). This squirrelism is just a figure of speech and actually came about because squirrels have been known to render people speechless with their beauty and grace.

Squirrel-dioms # 9

“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

Finally! This is the one, the only phrase that wasn’t manipulated to have the true credit to the squirrel stripped away. So why did this phrase go unchanged? I have no idea, to tell you the honest truth. I’m not sure how this one survived through the centuries without a bird or a cat stealing the glory for yet another squirrelism. An even bigger mystery that I can’t explain is the origin or meaning of the phrase. Sorry, but I just can’t track this one down. At least I’m being honest about it rather than just making up some nonsense…not that I would ever do such a thing. Everything that I’ve ever told you about squirrels and the phrases they’ve inspired is absolutely true. For those of you that have any doubt about that, I have some indisputable information that will convince you fully. Before I share that very important piece of evidence though I wanted to point out how neat shining objects are. Aren’t they fun to look at? Don’t you want to go and find a shiny object to look at right now? I think that’s a great idea! Run along.

Squirrel-ché # 8

“If a squirrel falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?”

Obviously, as a squirrelism, this question made no sense. Of course, the squirrel would hear his own fall and hence there would be a noise. Philosophers were frustrated that their thought provoking question actually provoked no thoughts and therefore they changed “squirrel” to “tree.” Because everyone knows that trees have bad ears and therefore the prior problem doesn’t apply to this question.

Squirrel-dioms # 8

“Don’t reinvent the squirrel”

I wish I’d invented the squirrel. Wouldn’t my life be different now? Instead of living in Squirrelville, I’d own it. Alright, I’ll quit squirreling around. Squirrels weren’t invented and therefore they can’t be reinvented.

Squirrels to Live By # 7

“Don’t count your squirrels before they hatch.”

You remember, faithful readers, that I previously told of how birds manipulated squirrels into getting up early to “get the worm”? Well, we’ve recently discovered further proof of just how devious those birds really were toward their squirrel brethren. You’re probably thinking to yourself that squirrels don’t come from eggs!?!? That’s right, they don’t. However, there was a mistaken perception that made some simpletons believe that they did. Since time began, squirrels have been selfishly giving of themselves. Somehow squirrels got roped in by the birds to watch over their nest. Research dug up an interesting story on this tale. Apparently, the flighty bird wanted to spend its afternoons playing in the grass and bathing in the pools. Therefore the mischievous creature persuaded the squirrel to sit on its eggs day in and day out until the little ones hatched. Of course, the squirrel performed this duty with pride and efficiency, keeping the eggs warm and safe until spring came. So these simpleton people, as we’ll call them, witnessed this bizarre happening and concluded that squirrels actually came from eggs and thus this squirrelism was born (or hatched).

Squirrel-dioms # 7

“Dance ‘til the squirrels come home.”

Groucho Marx is responsible for changing this expression to its current form. Apparently he said, "I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home." Obviously, cows were used for this joke because they are horrible dancers. Squirrels wouldn’t have made sense or gotten as many laughs because as everyone knows they are incredible and skillful dancers. So that explains why this phrase is said this way, but not how it originated. The inspiration is probably because squirrels are notorious for making their way home in an unhurried fashion. They are not one to be rushed and they usually always operate on a very relaxed timeline.

Squirrel-ché # 7

“You’re up a creek without a squirrel.”

Once considered to be master guides, squirrels were often asked to accompany travelers on long expeditions, especially in uncharted territories. During these early days of discovery, if a journeyman went missing during his travels or became lost then it was most likely because he’d neglected to enlist the services of a squirrel. Those who had the forethought to bring a squirrel along on their journey were usually richly rewarded, and our history provides us with numerous examples of this, although the recognition to the squirrel is suspiciously missing from all accounts. For instance, the great squirrel who is responsible for many of the discoveries of the Lewis and Clark expedition has yet to be credited. Alas, the squirrel has so often been under-appreciated and if we truly knew the debt we owed them then paddles wouldn’t get acknowledgment for their victories.

Squirrel-dioms #6

“Read between the squirrels”

You’re probably thinking to yourself, this one doesn’t even make sense. Well if I had a squirrel for every time I heard that regarding these squirrelism I’d be a very rich lady! Truthfully, I’m finding the task that I’ve undertaken to educate the world on the true origin of clichés to be a demanding and thankless job. Everyone wants “proof,” “facts,” or “evidence.” Then at the same time there’s all this skepticism and doubt. What happened to everyone’s ability to dream and believe? When did we exchange our imaginations for an IPOD and an episode of American Idol? I’m sorry; I’m out of line and quite possibly preaching to the squirrel. Well I’ll get off of my squirrel box for now. Do me a favor though and just for a moment believe, believe that there’s a world where squirrels really do fly, make wonderful meals, lead the blind, bring fortune to those that seek greatness, and yes inspire a whole slew of catchy phrases known as squirrelisms (a.k.a. clichés). So does this phrase still not make sense or is it you that doesn’t make sense? Now chew on that for a while.

Squirrel-dioms # 5

“Knock on squirrel.”

A phrase usually spoken by those regarded as superstitious, this fascinating squirrelism has been adapted so it could be used more generally. Trees have been worshiped by hundreds of cultures throughout history. One such tree stood majestically in a dense and enchanted forest and was loved and regarded as powerful by the Pagans. This holy tree would often serve as the location for many of the rituals performed for various reasons. If you are truly clever then you’ve already guessed what the Pagans called this tree, none other than: Squirrel. No one knows the reasons the tree was given this name, most likely because it was truly beautiful and full of intelligence. What is known is that these ancient people believed that by knocking on this tree a jinx could be undone. So now that we’ve gotten this clear don’t go off knocking on a poor squirrel because that would be rude.

Squirrels to Live By # 5

“Speak softly and carry a big squirrel.”

Theodore Roosevelt is credited with popularizing the current form of this phrase. I must fulfill my duty in unveiling the truth: our late, great president got it wrong. How different would this grand nation look had he known that the African proverb from which he borrowed the phrase actually said “squirrel” and not “stick”? Our government would be known for its Big Squirrel Ideology, diplomacy, and policy. Roosevelt must have misheard the proverb and therefore he believed it meant to negotiate peacefully while quietly threatening opponents with “big sticks.” Over a century later it is time we set the record straight and clarify this giant misunderstanding. This phrase is a metaphor that means to not be overpowering in speech and you’ll be abundant in treasures. Let’s form our governmental practices around that ideology!

Squirrel-ché # 6

“You’re like a squirrel caught in headlights.”

Everyone has had one of those terrifying moments when they’re driving and they happen upon a squirrel in the road. The frightened squirrel is torn between risking being hit by running or staying put and hoping you dodge him. I was riding in the car with someone the other day and as they swerved to avoid a magnificent little squirrel they yelled, “Stupid rodent.” I was, of course, appalled by their insensitivity and lack of respect for the legendary animal. It was both my burden and privilege to explain to this person the complex decisions that a squirrel faces when they happen upon a car in the road. As they stare into your headlights they realize they have seconds to decide if you’re the kind of person that will swerve. This type of reasoning takes great emotional intelligence. You see, the squirrel isn’t actually caught in your headlights, their staring straight at you, into your eyes. If after analyzing your character a squirrel decides that you aren’t the kind of person that is going to swerve then they must make the next critical decision, which way to run.

Squirrel-ché # 5

“When in Squirrel...”
“ Squirrel wasn’t built in a day.”

Yes, that’s right; today you get two for the price of one. It’s like today is your birthday because I’m unveiling the truth behind two clichés since their origins are closely related. Happy Squirrel Day to you!

There are so many mysteries that surround the lost city of Atlantis. Some of these mysteries we will never unearth, but there is one that has been discovered. Brace yourself. Are you ready? Here it is: there is no Atlantis. The lost city was named…Squirrel. I know many of you are already shaking your heads in disbelief. To complicate matters more, the name of the city these expressions refer to has changed again in “recent” history and is now known as modern day Rome. So you’re probably asking yourself what Rome has to do with Squirrel (or, as you’re used to hearing it, “Atlantis”). Well the answer to your scholarly question is very complex and theoretical. We’ll just suffice it to say that Rome is a substitute for Atlantis which is a substitute for Squirrel. Aren’t you glad that I’ve done so much research for you and now you don’t have to worry about the intricacies and details? Now shake your pretty little head “yes” and cheerfully go about enjoying the rest of your Squirrel Day!

Squirrel-dioms # 4

“You’ve been caught red-squirreled.”

Some call it a fact, others lore, and therefore we may never know the truth behind this expression. As everyone knows, the gray squirrel enjoys more privileges and respect than the red squirrel. This is because during the renaissance era people believed that the bright coloring of the red squirrel was “flashy” and “too showy.” It was an unfortunate situation for this breed of squirrel as they were constantly having to deal with snobbish remarks and disapproving glares. One of these unfortunate squirrels fell in love with a beautiful princess, we’ll call her Lizzie. Knowing that her father, we’ll call him King Hank, would never approve of their match she persuaded her dashing suitor to dye his bright red hair to that of dull gray. All was going splendid with the couple and their approving friends and family until one rainy afternoon. The squirrel was caught in the park without a parka as a torrential down pour began. The king was furious when he noticed what the crowd was gasping about: the red squirrel standing in a pool of gray water. Unfortunately the lovers were never allowed to see each other again. The red squirrel retreated to the forest to live out his days alone. Lizzie never married. To this day those that are found in an act of deceit are known to be “caught red squirreled.”

Squirrel-dioms # 3

“Yeah right, when squirrels fly.”

There are obvious reasons this popular cliché is no longer a squirrelism. Research dug up an interesting story of how this phrase came about. Billy Joel Jamison’s wife, Pamela Sue Millie had just finished asking him to clean up the barn and feed the pigs. Being a real nincompoop he jumped off the porch, joining his friends Zachariah Stevie Smith and Lou Thomas Jeffries, and sang “Yeah I’ll du dat, win squirrelz fly.” Pamela stood there furious and thinking she probably should have listened to her daddy and married her second cousin. Just as those good ole boys were about to run off, a flying squirrel dramatically sailed through the air landing gracefully in a large pine tree. Later on as Billy was throwing the slop out for the pigs he remarked to his buddies, “Whoz a wood of thought dat a squirrel could really fly?” His sympathetic friends offered this advice, “Next time you ought tell her dat you ain’t gonna do it til pigs fly, cause they really can’t…can they?” Them three boys then spent the rest of the day watching those pigs to ensure they didn’t sprout wings and take off.

Squirrel-ché # 4

“There’s more than one way to skin a squirrel.”

This phrase is just disturbing. What a rude and grotesque thing to say. We can be all too grateful that this expression changed before becoming popular. Mark Twain is actually attributed with coining this phrase in his novel A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. Thankfully, as the story goes (although there is no historical proof), he was somehow persuaded to change “squirrel” to “cat” right before the first printing. This is most likely because a wise editor realized how troubling it would be to readers to think of one, let alone more ways to harm a defenseless and wonderful squirrel. Now to think about this with a cat, shoot that’s kind of funny. Finally, the cat takes the credit for something that it deserves.

Squirrels to Live By # 4

“If you can’t stand the squirrel, get out of the kitchen.”

In Europe squirrels were thought to have great culinary talents. Their skills were first recognized in Paris before rapidly spreading across the continent. They were most notably recognized for creating rich sauces, nutty desserts, and flavorful casseroles. Many of the top restaurants of this time (unknown) publicized that their chef was a squirrel and this news had the patrons lining up to get a table. Two things became obvious to restaurant owners: 1. Squirrel chefs were superior. 2. Squirrel chefs were anal and obnoxious. Many waiters and maître des were finding it frustrating to work alongside that of the demanding squirrel and hence they were told to get out of kitchen or as the French would say “cuisine.”

Squirrel-ché #3

“You’re a chip off the old squirrel.”

There was once a great statue that stood on the banks of the northern Atlantic coast. An unknown, but extremely talented French sculpture had been anonymously commissioned to create a large statue of the squirrel, standing tall with his chest high and his tail billowing in all its glory. This majestic statue remained quite a mystery for a better part of a century. The surrounding towns in this area made up great stories about how the statue was actually a king that had been petrified by a dark and evil witch. As the story goes, this king was intelligent, compassionate, talented, and loved by all. It wasn’t uncommon to see these villagers visiting the “Old Squirrel,” as they called him, and asking for guidance, prosperity, or health. Unfortunately, a severe storm became the death of this beloved statue, wiping at all traces that it ever existed. Legend has it that if you visit the spot of where this great figure once stood then you’ll be gifted a wonderful and useful talent. And hence, this squirrelism has been said to the gifted for ages to remind them of where they owe their thanks.

Squirrels to Live By # 3

“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw squirrels.”

Our research team had a devil of a time trying to track down the true meaning of this well known cliché. All we were able to discern is that the original phrase is as stated above. We can ponder that at their peak in popularity “squirrel” was used to replace all types of words, and in this example it replaced the term “rock.” This was probably an attempt to make speech sound hip and fun. “Man, you squirrel,” or “Did you hear that squirrel, it has a killer beat?” It can be reasoned that the effects were actually confusing and therefore this type of squirrel slang was abandoned. However, I think we can all agree it would be wise for those that live in glass houses to not throw anything, especially a precious little squirrel.

Squirrel-ché #2

“You can’t teach an old squirrel new tricks.”

Prior to the squirrel revolution, it was popular to attend a circus show where the talented animals would entertain audiences with wild and death defying stunts. These tricks are actually still taught throughout the squirrel community. Many people have witnessed the shear grace of a squirrel running across a high wire or performing an acrobatic routine in a tree. Back at this time, squirrels were in high demand either because they were being carried around by travelers for their powers to provide luck or they were fighting in packs with the warriors in the east. Circus owners became desperate for squirrel talent and resorted to bringing older squirrels out of retirement to join their troop. It didn’t take very long for them to realize that these older squirrels wouldn’t comply with the training and therefore this phrase was born. The solution to all of this demand was that these older squirrels were given to the travelers for luck and the younger squirrels were recruited for their circus talents. This proved to be a win-win solution for all.

Squirrels to Live By #2

“There are always more squirrels in the tree.”

The adapted version of this cliché is, “there are always more fish in the sea.” This is another awful example of how another creature has gotten the credit for something the squirrel inspired. When you think romance what do you think? That’s right, you’re most likely picturing a soft squirrel with a plush, billowy tail and deep brown eyes. I know I am. Shakespeare, even understood the relationship between romance and squirrels and wrote about it often (don’t even get me started on the conspiracies connected with that cover-up). Even before squirrels were shooting lovers with arrows, they were associated with relationships. Interestingly, the Egyptians believed that this lustrous animal had aphrodisiac qualities. I, for one, believe it. Anyway, the squirrel can be credited with so much and this is just another wonderful nugget of wisdom inspired by this amazing animal.

Squirrel-dioms #2

“Fight like cats and squirrels”

Cats and squirrels have been natural enemies ever since the cat was first domesticated. Apparently the feline believed the squirrel posed a threat to the cat’s companionship with humans. According to a spokesperson for the squirrel community, “This was a laughable insecurity since squirrels have been around for forty million years. If squirrels wanted to be a ‘pet’ then they would, and they’d have done it before the cat.” It appears that this competition started an ongoing battle that each year continues without resolution. The cat is often seen terrorizing the poor squirrel as he tries to complete his humanitarian tasks for each day. However, the squirrel can be fierce and is not one to be pushed around which sometimes results in furious fights between the two adversaries.

Squirrel-dioms #1

“I’d like to be a squirrel on that wall.”

We’ve all heard of ninjas, but the truth behind these mysterious agents is much stranger than most realize. Just as the samurai used the squirrel for their fierceness, the ninja similarly employed the rodent’s talents. Espionage was the principal role of the squirrel when employed with the ninjas. Not many more details are known about this particular history of the squirrel because they were really excellent at their jobs and left no records of this employment. It is even more difficult to corroborate this information with that of the ninja’s history since they are ninjas and have an obscure past. This cliché was only discovered as a squirrelism because of a genealogical account that had been handed down in a squirrel family that is of Japanese decent.

Squirrels to Live By #1

“Don’t judge a squirrel until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.”

I know what you’re thinking, squirrels don’t wear shoes, however they used to and boy were they tiny little shoes. The story behind how the squirrel started wearing shoes is full of fantasy, drama, treachery, and dismay. Unfortunately, we really don’t have all the details on the specifics, nor the adequate amount of time or space to share the story. You just need to know that at one point long ago squirrels wore shoes (actually they resembled slippers) and this was during the period that they were trying to get the right to become legal citizens. Like I said before, this is a very strange part of the squirrel’s history and one that cannot fully be addressed in this format. So the shoe wearing squirrel was fighting for rights to become an equal citizen and was constantly under the judgment and scrutiny of others, especially those that were intimidated by their powers. Thankfully there were thoughtful and open-minded individuals that started a campaign and their slogan is where we get this sensible quote which has unfortunately evolved with time. It is regrettable that to this day the squirrel still hasn’t been granted the rights they dearly dreamed to have one day. Alas, the squirrel will live to fight another day!!!

Insquirrelational Adages #4

“Take time to stop and smell the squirrels.”

Smell squirrels? That sounds crazy right? I’m sure most everyone remembers this quote as referring to smelling roses. Well it does make more sense, which is why this particular cliché evolved. However, back in the day, when a youngster was running around and too distracted to enjoy life they’d be told to, “take time to stop and smell the squirrels.” This phrase came about because a young lad was running to work one day, with his head buried in his history book. Being so distracted he ran straight into an old witch that quite possibly was of foreign decent or drunk. This unfortunate collision caused the mean, old lady to drop her bundle of snake skins and toad livers that she’d just purchased. Apparently, frustrated by the boy’s mistake she cursed him by saying: “haik slim chu swap rand fell duh deferral.” The boy being innocent and naïve thought that the escaped mental patient had just bestowed a great wisdom upon him and he did slow down and with enthusiasm enjoyed the pace of life.

A disclaimer regarding squirrelisms

Since I started posting these squirrelisms I've gotten a huge response worldwide. It seems many of you are truly stunned that this history of squirrels has been covered up for so long. I'm glad that the squirrel fir has been lifted from your eyes (I'll explain the true origin of this one later). It is a strange conspiracy aganist squirrels that we may never truly understand.

Some of this expressed interests has been in regards to the research which was conducted to determine the source of clichés and the squirrels that inspired them. Although I'm so honored that many of you are interested in learning more, I do have to include this disclaimer regarding my research:

Disclaimer: It is impossible to be able to provide solid dates for this unearthing of history. This is because most of these squirrelisms were coined prior to recorded history. Moreover, the research that was conducted for the creation of this account was taken from squirrel-lore, which has been handed down from squirrel to squirrel for generations. Although the squirrel is quite an intelligent creature, they are not too accurate with timelines. To further complicate matters, there were some issues with interpretations and therefore details have been filled in using creative leeway. We encourage you to accept this information as true and not to question any of it. Furthermore, we warn you against attempting to do your own research on these matters or trying to verify the accounts stated. Truthfully, a thorough job has been done for you and we squirrel swear that all of this information is true.

Insquirrelational Adages #3

“When all hope is lost, count your squirrels.”

As we have previously learned, squirrels were once considered to be very lucky (See Insuirrelational Adages #1). The people of this time (which cannot be accurately determined) started to carry squirrels everywhere they went, not just on long journeys. With time, the fortune that squirrels brought to those around them was clearly demonstrated which led to a full out “squirrel craze.” The rich started hoarding as many squirrels as they could put their greedy little hands on, which created a squirrel shortage. Even the poorest of families would sell all their belongings in order to have at least one “family squirrel.” Since the squirrel does in fact bring prosperity, usually these families would experience fortune and be able to purchase more squirrels. Unfortunately, these wonderful creatures cannot protect against all and therefore when a person did experience loss or hardship they were reminded what they should be grateful for: their squirrels.

Insquirrelational Adages #2

“You’re only as strong as your weakest squirrel.”

In the east, squirrels were once revered for their fierceness. Warriors of that time would have a pack of squirrels they’d train for battle. These aggressive packs of rodents would be used to protect the warrior and sometimes even provided an offensive advantage. Through the years, many wars were won and loss based on the strength of the squirrels that fought. This clever squirrelism actually was first spoken as sage-like advice to a nervous samurai warrior prior to a bloody battle. Legend tells that this soldier voiced doubts that he wouldn’t survive because he wasn’t agile enough, equipped with the best armor and weapons, or having the bravery. He was told that these factors weren’t his true assets and in fact it was the strengths of his squirrels which would count most. The warrior did have a great pack of squirrels that fought with ferocity in this battle resulting in an astounding victory that has shaped history as we know it.

Squirrel-ché #1

"The early squirrel gets the worm."

For those of you that are scratching your head, let me offer an explanation. You've probably heard this "cliché" as: the early bird gets the worm. Nothing could be further from the truth. I know what you're thinking, squirrels don't eat worms. You're right about that, squirrels don't eat worms, but that doesn't mean they can't catch them. Truth is that back before recorded history, the bird and the squirrel used to have a great partnership, which has since dissolved into a bitter rivalry. The bird has always enjoyed the luxury of sleeping late, especially on those dreary and dark mornings. Since the squirrel is always bursting with energy and eager to please he was contracted to wake up early and catch the bird's breakfast. The thoughtful squirrel willingly accepted this offer knowing that one day the bird would reciprocate the kind gestures (unfortunately, the squirrel is also gullible). And so, it is in fact the early squirrel that gets the worm and so sweetly delivers it to the sleepy eyed bird.

Insquirrelational Adages #1

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single squirrel."

Traveling was once a dangerous venture which could lead to illness, loss, and very regularly death. Our ancestors believed the squirrel was a creature who brought luck to those around it (which is why people carry around a squirrel’s foot for good fortune), and therefore it became customary to carry a squirrel on long journeys. The blessed squirrel would be packed in the traveler’s rucksack, along with all the supplies for their long expedition. Anyone who has ever traveled with a squirrel will know that their good humor and keen instincts do indeed create the perfect conditions for a joyous voyage. Therefore, as you can see this superstition is one based on truth and hence this very familiar cliché (or rather, squirrel-ché) was coined.

And so it begins!

Hundreds of years ago when the first nut fell from a tree it was discovered that the nut did not fall alone. Attached to the nut, holding it with all its might was a squirrel that would not release its prize even if it meant falling many feet to the ground and suffering a light blow to the head. Simultaneously, there was a gentleman there that witnessed the event and pontificated in such a way as to commemorate it. We believe his exact words were, "The squirrel doesn't fall far from the tree."

The rediscovery of this bit of history led to more research on the subject. Scientists later discovered that the mischievous, yet shy squirrel was responsible for more than just funny colored spots on the road. It turns out that the cliché (the existence of which cannot be dated back before the squirrels) was actually inspired by the rodent. It seemed that whenever these pesky creatures showed up, individuals were overcome by the desire to characterize the squirrels’ actions in poetic and sometimes philosophic verse.

This is an amazing discovery on the part of literary experts and now it is time to expose the truth to the public. Many of the clichés that we've heard since birth, the ones our mothers spouted and our grandfathers used instead of understandable speech are actually all about squirrels. Through time these clichés evolved from the subject of squirrels to other things that people could more easily relate.

Each day I will reveal to the world the true meaning of one phrase you use all the time and call a cliché, but is actually, in fact, a squirrelisms. The time has come for the squirrel to get the credit that it deserves!!!